A Little About Me
I’ve been a Marriage and Family Therapist for more than a decade, but I’ve been a husband, father and person trying to understand relationships for considerably longer.
I don’t think therapists have relationships figured out while everyone else struggles. Relationships are hard because they matter so much to us. The people we love most can also be the people with whom we become most frustrated, defensive, disappointed and stuck.
What years of working with couples has given me is a particular way of seeing what happens when good people get caught in bad patterns-and lots of experience helping them find their way out.
How I Think About Couples
When a couple comes into my office, I’m not looking for the difficult spouse or trying to determine who is right.
Usually, I see two people who have developed ways of protecting themselves and things that matter deeply to them. Unfortunately, those ways of protecting themselves can begin to trigger exactly the reaction they fear from the other person.
Before long, the pattern takes on a life of its own.
That’s why I often say the pattern is the problem, not the people.
Couples therapy gives us a chance to understand that pattern from the outside. When couples can begin to see what’s happening between them-and what’s underneath it-they often become less interested in winning the argument and more able to understand each other.
That’s where change can begin.
My Background
I earned my M.S. in Marriage and Family Therapy from the University of Wisconsin-Stout, a COAMFTE-accredited program devoted specifically to training marriage and family therapists.
My background also includes a Master of Divinity degree. That training gave me a deep appreciation for the ways our values, commitments, beliefs and sense of meaning shape our lives and relationships.
I’ve spent much of my professional life thinking about relationships from both of these perspectives: how people interact with one another and what gives their lives and commitments meaning.
What You Can Expect From Me
I’m fairly active as a therapist. I’ll listen carefully, but I won’t just sit quietly while you recreate the same argument you have at home.
I’ll stop you sometimes. I’ll ask questions. I’ll point out things I notice. I’ll help translate what one of you may be trying unsuccessfully to communicate to the other. And when I have a perspective that I think might help, I’ll offer it.
I also use humor, and I’m comfortable being a real person in the room. Therapy can be serious without being solemn.
You don’t need to arrive knowing exactly what’s wrong with your relationship or how to fix it. That’s part of what the third perspective of couples therapy can offer.
Sometimes people who are stuck simply need a different place from which to see what’s happening.